Alright, So… This book is absurdly hysterical. Although… a lot of the time I
feel like am being made fun of. Regardless – it is ironically VERY truthful and similar to Kelly Cutrone’s
If you Have to Cry, Go Outside, and Normal Gets you Nowhere.
Good for these Betches to speak their minds and share it with the world.
What is a Betch? Well, this is the definition from The Betches themselves:
Betch // The girl who has guys wrapped around her finger, whose outfit is always perfectly conceived, and who magically accomplishes whatever she wants, whether it’s getting an amazing job at twenty-two or engaged at 25, and she does it effortlessly. She may see unapproachable, but those who are lucky enough to know her are likely to claim that she’s “really great if you’re friends with her, but she can be a huge bitch.”
They break down the Betch-Factor for each major city in the country. So naturally, since I have lived closest to Boston my whole life, I’ll go with that!
(The Betches are pretty harsh about it… Poor Boston!)
Betch-Factor: A mere 3/10!!! (and people say it’s the bitchiest city in the country!)
The Betch Who Lives There: Wishes she didn’t and will leave as soon as she’s done with school. Since there’s no fashion or PR in Boston, any girl with a job in this city is probably doing something like working in a hospital or a lab. That clearly means she’s a nice girl. We don’t have to explain why wearing a long white lab coat every day is a betch’s worst nightmare. To cope with the pain of living around so many girls who wear eyeglasses without even trying to make a trendy statement, the Boston betch spends most weekends on Newbury Street. This street is like an oasis for the Boston betch in the midst of a fat, Dunkin Donuts eating, beer guzzling, guys with weirdly-buzzed Frankenstein haircuts city. She can get brunch at Sonsie with her fellow miserable betches, buy some decently hot outfits, and pretend for an afternoon that she’s in New York.
She Avoids: Virtually every bar in the city. A betch never goes into a pub. This city is crawling with pubs with names like Flanagan O’Malley’s. If any word is the opposite of betch, it’s pub. Avoid at all costs.
A Betch Who Visits Should: Have her fucking head examined. If for some reason you find yourself here, find a bro at a hotel bar and make him take you to the Celtics/Red Sox game. Of course, anything less than courtside seats or a luxury box is extremely unbetchy. Also, hang out in Harvard Square and see if you can find a Harvard Business School bro, and like, never work. Work is like any awful life-ruining addiction, once you start it becomes much harder to stop. Best to avoid in the first place.
Redeeming Factor: You’ll be the hottest girl in the city, and you might even be able to eat more than 1000 calories a day and still maintain that honor. We know, we’d never really do that, but it’s good to know we could. Also, the Boston metro area is not entirely awful. If you need to escape the actual city – and you do – there are a few places on the Cape, or even better, Nantucket, where a betch can easily throw on enormous sunglasses, have bros buy her overpriced drinks, and dress cute without getting nasty looks from girls who actually wear normal-sized football jerseys in public.
Y-I-K-E-S x A MILLION!!!
For those of you who love Boston, I told ya it was going to be harsh!
** NOTE: Boston & Philadelphia (also 3/10) are the lowest scoring cities; aka, full of nicegirls. While New York and LA are ranked the highest (9.5/10!!) aka, full of Betches, no surprise there!
Personal Betch-Factor Quiz
Add your points as you go to see what your Betch-Factor is!
Sorry, you’ll have to make your own if your not from Boston.
More Cities here
1. Guys Wrapped Around her Finger: Guys (plural) does not apply -> 0
2. Perfectly Conceived Outfit: I really try with this one, give it to me! -> +1
3. Amazing Job at 22: CHECKKKK! -> +1
4. Engaged by 25: Engaged? Engaged with/in what? -> 0
5. Unapproachable: No Way, No How, approach away! -> +1
6. Newbury Street Hang-Out: Where else is there to go? -> +1
7. Sonsie For Lunch: Best Tuna Melt on the Planet! -> +1
—-The Tuna Melt is Definitely Over 1,000 Calories (oh well!)
8. Irish Pub: Never Been in Boston, but I DESPISE Obrien’s in Newport -> +1
9. Bro Out at a Sports Game: Box/Courtside Seats? Unnecessary -> 0
10. Weekends on Cape/Nantucket: I’m from the Cape! Wooo! #FTW -> +1
Betch-o-Meter Total: 7/10
Turns out I have a little more Betch in me than I thought, but according to these girls… that’s not a bad thing. And hey! I still have a whole three points of nicegirl in me! That is enough. AND I have the Betch-Factor of San Francisco…
That’s just fate telling me I need to move, right? RIGHT!
What is your Betch-Factor? Is being a Betch a bad or good thing?
Getting what you want seems great, but being obnoxiously rude is horrible and completely unattractive in the long haul… another one of life’s great balancing acts!
I will continue to read this book (even though it is slightly offensive)
for the sole reason of it being incredibly funny.
And who doesn’t need a laugh and some food for thought
at the end of a long workday??